12.16.99

Christine, Jesse, and I had a wonderful time tonight on convoys to McDonald's, and secrets at Jesse's. We were fueled by Prom anxieties and inspired by collective humour genius. I became secretly, blankly, jealous of Christine and Jesse's relations as Jesse must have at points with us. It was like a game of keep away with the effervescent Christine as the more-than-worthy object of desire. Jesse, at one point in my immature criticisms of Christine (extreme), called me "so mean" and "some friend," contrasting his never-insult-the-godess (excessive) policy. I figured out our contrasting styles are due to the fact that we both love her, but Jesse is more secure and therefore more sincere with his affection. The revelation was disturbing, and then it passed. Meagan called me, I was on a humorous roll stemming from Jesse/Christine hijinx. The brief, brilliant intercourse was interrupted by Erin's call. I was oddly at peace as I felt Meagan's love for me was powerful (as always), but above all, sincere. You could tell it in her voice (you can always feel it in her voice). I dreamed/senses Liz loved me in English. She made me promise to wish her happy birthday tomorrow night. Tomorrow night! Words cannot do justice to my excitement. 'Wait for me, love.'

12.15.99

Sarah re-appeared at my basketball game today. It was miraculous and marvelous! Though I played worse, excuse due to her presence--see the case of Meagan last year for reference. I loved her eyes and lips following me as I blundered against Simcoe time and again. I could not allow myself to excessively celebrate the joy of her watching me (and subsequent motives) when I realized that Sarah was also at Simcoe's game Friday night with tonight's conspirator, Katie. Maybe I'm getting too insecure, like last year when I assumed Meagan came to our games for Adam. It is logical enough (damn Math, damn Science, you've chained my heart) considering Katie went out with 2 Simcoe players: Precious and Morris. The test will come Monday when we are at home to Holy Cross, when I find out if Sarah loves me by her presence (don't worry, in her absence I'll rationalize with her having to work at Tim Horton's). The quiz is this Friday. I burst internally. Oh yeah, lost in my psycho-analysis is the fact that she and Katie lingered after the game and she said to me "Good game." Oddly enough after that, when Chris and I were driving away, she and Katie were standing waiting for a ride. Almost as if she waited for the specific purpose of congratulating me! Analysis can flow both ways! I am so relieved I remembered that small (and weighted) token. For the pessimistic reader, I do have nuggets of disturbance: Ashley (in Dave's car): "Meagan says you two don't talk." My pen grows tired of analysis, but the road Ashley constructed to this revelation was tedious. Can Meagan possibly still care for me, by disliking the fact we don't talk? (Except for the phone where A.G. Bell blessed us the privilege to be immortal to one another hours at length). Answers, again alas, come Friday. 2 Nights of sleep/On the desires I cannot keep.

12.14.99

Sarah vanished save a smile in the cafeteria. Andrea pulled her stare-and-respond game (see yesterday). Meredith looked like the 'sensible and smart college girlfriend' today. I swear she is so Fitzgerald (like Rosalind without the pompousness). Meagan made a brief appearance, and I lived the day in those precious seconds. She still has me held, clutched, somewhere... I got majorly incensed today when I learned it cost $20 for "Y2 Keg." It's not the money itself, it's the fact that Mark S., Geoff, and Brian are not paying. I can understand Mark W. not paying and making a profit since he IS sacrificing his house, however, for the other three to not pay is prejudiced. Mark S. argued he was an organizer. Bull! Organization tax?! Maybe I should charge him and Geoff $5 each for the Bills tickets I got them (I am going to by paying only $10 and saying Geoff and Mark got the rest). Money breaks up friends and I can see why now. Who cares anyway? How am I to speak of economics, money, and money's alarms/But 'O were I to be young again, and have held her in my arms (a patronizing parody of W.B.Y's "Politics"). Sarah will be she. 3 days for 1 night and love/death/laughter/dance/excess/Sarah!

12.13.99

Sarah has assuredly advanced to "Hi Geordie" and knowing smiles. And I have evolved to expressing affection in glances across the cafeteria, smiles at close range, and salutes--but not yet actual words. I passed Andrea in the halls and she was listening to her discman. I did not acknowledge initially, but as I passed I felt her stare. It was a blank/beautiful "are you ignoring my angelic eyes?" look and I recovered quickly. I saluted off my back foot and she smiled and winked and glowed. Meagan talked to me briefly, telling me about her dress and the finalized Prom plans she promised later. Unfortunately, as a morose poet I always derive negativity and she did not disappoint. I was chatting with Jimmy when I turned and heard "Jimmy" from my beauty's voice. She had no purpose other than to use him as a transitionary figure into the intercourse with me. It passed Jimmy, unknowing, thought I cannot let her nervousness/anxiety/fear/self-loathing pass. Monica from behind was gorgeous. "Y2 Keg" party at Mark W.'s, probably. I inquired as to the nature of the guest list, specifically fishing for a particular Grade 10 (Sarah). The issue remains unsettled, though 2000 (arbitrary, remember?!) better welcome with Sarah or I will live, die, exhaust myself trying!

12.9.99

I want to marry Sarah. Today as I passed gloomily (tired) and late for class we made eye contact. She then said "Geordie" in a funny (male-like) voice. For reference, I have been passing her in the halls the past 2 days and saying "Sarah" in that endearing feminine, joke-voice of mine. Not only did her response show her wealth of humour, it demonstrated the impact I can have on her. On the flip side, Meagan is hollowing. Tonight on the phone we talked Prom but I was interrupted by a call she HAD to take (Jenn B.--last year she would have shot Jenn down). Also, Scott M. called her. I don't know why he intimidates me so much around Meagan, but he's some form of nemesis. Petty things like her calling shotgun in John's car for Prom killed me (I pictured us conspiring and loving each other in the back seat). Sarah absolves pain. We will rendezvous at Prom!

12.7.99

I forgave Sarah and we had a wonderful walk-and-talk. She was headed home due to fatigue and I was late for Englinsh (Council-related). I do put on such a show for her! We discussed whatever my fiery tongue could muster to cure silence: school, Jordan's, T.V. At least I saw that I can talk to her and she is not some convenient mirage. We lost to DM by 1 point in the Standard tournament tonight. We have proven we belong. I am sick and tired of the hypothetical players Adam, Frank and Brian create out of bitterness. I'm concerned with the players we have, not the phonies who play in imaginary games. Chris was amazing on the court today. Christine wowed me in Math. Fraser is so petty and has motivated yet another insignificant trace of silence. Monica floated in my mind during CC pictures. Her positioning (desired) near me melted my heart. She's on and off with me.

12.6.99

Andrea thanked me for consoling her after the "make-out" incident with Adam S. Friday. Sarah and I had secret handshakes yet my heart ripped when I learned it was not enough. Consider: today at lunch I learned that Graham was dared, drunk stupid, at the party to take some girl into a room and do et cetera inexpressibles. I laughed until I learned it was Sarah then I crumbled--inside. He says they "only kissed." Only! 'Tis so cruel. Adam S. (Sarah called him a "horn ball" Friday) also kissed the "skinny girl" as Graham called her. Skinny girl/Don't rob her world/She means more to me/Than sanity. I still love my cheating bride for she was obviously taken advantage of by the Idiots of heartbreak. My day ended there.

12.5.99

I am writing unorthodoxly on a Sunday night to best re-capture my wonderful Friday. It started with Adam and I getting drunk in my room as Christine stood us up. By chance, for dinner we went to Andrea's McDonald's and she asked us if we were headed to Jordan's. Previously I had denied this option--only unconsciously realizing my beautiful Sarah would be there. John provided the chariot and I spent the night in conspiracy with my love. I described my drunk as "one of my five best" but in reality it was Sarah's prescence, not the poison. We sat side by side on a couch in his basement (memories of Lauren's--deja vu) and showed affection through conversation. She was drunk. But intercourse was extraordinary. She rifled through my wallet and asked why I had no pictures of her. She responded passionately to my top-form humour (including Adam and I's pubic hair jokes about her Prom date Jordan and the "unrelated" hair in her mouth). She gave me a beer label and told me to cherish it as it was from her. I put it in my wallet and said "I'll always keep it." I fed her my "fire-water" (rum--she appreciated the humour--I called it "French"). When tragedy came and the party dispersed I stole one last look at the couch where, in pulchrous retrospect, my love and I spent the WHOLE party (save when she went upstairs to get beer and go to the washroom). God bless Christine and her disguised gift of ignorance. Adam said I was the "fucking money." I was. He claimed there was an incident on the stairs where he inquired to her about me and she said she "liked me a lot." Don't lie drunken friend/Your jest could mean my end. I was so drunk that when I got home, in my giddiness, I looked up her phone number to no avail and instead read my poetry (3 poems) on Meagan's answering machine--so embarrassing! Sarah masks all. I love and hurt again. As far as I'm concerned, I'm going to Prom with her.

12.2.99

The first day December left me beyond weary--to the point of physical collapse. I could scarcely lift my eye-lids let alone lift a pen last night. Today I am re-born! Sarah was chatting with Jimmy before 4th period and was standing against my locker. It was just us three actors though the dialogue was poor.

G: Excuse me, you seem to be standing against my locker.
S: Oh! (Stares intently through me, feeling her way around the backroads of my brain and affection)
G: (Responds too blankly. Hits the beauty with a rolled up scroll that should contain love tokens but instead is made up of school work which is annoying and yet is the medium which draws us two young dreamers together emotionally and now, ironically enough, is now physically pushing us apart).
J: Et cetera stupidities.
G: (Feels like he blew immense opportunity which now haunts and hollows him perpetually).

Meredith contained everything in her smile which lit my being. Danny's funeral was today and I attended. It was bleak and sad (as all funerals are). The parlour workers annoyed me in their de-sensitivity to the tragic affair. It must be a job in every sense to them! I did not cry though I tried and don't know why. I guess it was peer pressure because Jesse G. and a lot of others were crying. I don't understand why I had to physically show the grief which was so obviously ripping my insides. A good description of me would be shocked--mouth gaped; eyes questioning. I shouldn't have felt that grief was a badge of tears to establish the hierarchy of connection to the deceased. I am mature enough to know this. Meagan was a wreck (no one could condemn her for it). Jesse hugged a decomposing Liz and I resisted (guiltily). For some reason I prefer to grieve and brood in my head--introvertedly. I learned Danny hung himself and can not describe the emotion this rendered. The issue has become so tragic for me that it is mute (though he lives in the words not said, occasional recollection, and the void in every day). I loved Hannah even in bereavement. Those New Zealand Godesses can have that effect on one.

11.30.99

Oh, how I breathed the love of September today. Monica has a vacuum in her iris which I get lost in and never want to find my way. Sarah begins to fade though I will not have it. I deliberately passed her incessantly in the halls at lunch with an unknowing Rob. She would not be provoked. I will get the best of her at Prom (for that is a goal!). Meredith was beautiful and swimming and smiling and pernicious and in every way my girl in English today though in the end only hollowness echoed. I feel poetic yet I should mention I purchased a Sega with games and played it in my room. I now feel an academic loss is coming my way, due to the void of T.V. I already felt guilty playing and not reading. Christine and I fought over library fines (friends and money how precariously they mesh) but in the end I paid in mock anger. Later we unconsciously forgot and we love again. I share her with so many that jealousy is impossible. She is all-encompassing. Adam can stimulate my mind while degrading some sense of self-worth. Geoff is all the former and that is why he is my best friend.

11.29.99

Danny Aitken committed suicide or died yesterday and we learned of it today. It hollowed my insides to hear it from Mrs. Mandzuk's mouth. Plus she introduced it frighteningly (to me at least). She said that a student who attended our school in Grades 9-11, and who now attends DM died. Immediately I assumed my former best friend Tim. How I would have died myself! It seems selfish considering a life was lost anyway and Danny and I had brilliant conversations about tang conspiracies at Project Spirit in Grade 9. My life gained perspective (that selfish "It could have been me fear of death loathing restriction" feeling). Writing of girls loses some validity today though Monica virtually stalked me. She is sleeping over here Friday night! Kate told me and I dreamed Monica had ulterior motives for slumbering i.e. me. Christine was divine and graceful and all the beautiful philosophies I never reveal to her crept out. She had a bad weekend with Geoff and the Idiots (Krystina and Lindsay) though Adam and I comforted her Saturday night. I abstained from alcohol this weekend though a tiny part of me wishes I had gone to Steve's party to talk and conspire with a sober Monica. Meagan has found a hole. Though today I cannot blame her. I wish I could talk about the profound effects of today on her outlook, seeing as she was close to Danny--somewhat.

11.25.99

Christine and I fought like village idiots today until I extended a golden hand after drawing leeway (from her smile) and saying two crucial words (to any female in distress) "I'm sorry." Really the whole damn business was my fault for putting too much weight in the Council incident and others' opinions. These two mis-readings caused me to act like a jackass the last two days. After school she told me that "we're back on the same page" [Ed. note: for future reference--Christine told me a secret Monday that she smoked pot for the first time Saturday with Jesse and clan before seeing The Legend of Sleeping Hollow]. I'm glad we're on amicable terms again so we can love each other and find hilarity in the tiny things again. We lost to Notre Dame at basketball by 20 (should've been a lot more--I got 13). We're young and re-building. I got annoyed with Mark and Brian when I returned to school and relayed the result. They proceeded to trash the team not realizing how good Notre Dame was and how average we actually are. Brian is motivated by jealousy he has yet to detect (I hope when he does it hits him hard). Mark is a mass of ignorance and assumption regarding the team. It didn't help that a friend and an enemy were present for this charade--Geoff and Lee. This season I now have a platform--prove 'em all wrong. Just like in Junior--only without the supporting cast.

11.24.99

Meagan and I conspired again late tonight, and talk lulled a little but was infused with humour towards the end. I love her so much! We should marry based solely on our conversations but we're both too immature (or is it insecure?) to realize that yet. Christine was an unbelievable jezebel today. In the Student Council meeting she bitched about people talking behind her back last week. Gord, Irfin, Katherine (a grade 9 beauty) snickered silently together about her behaviour. Monica was in the library in 4th spare, virtually alone and we conversed across tables (a mile for lovers). I really think she may have a crush for me and I now go out of my way to say hello to her and she requites. She's a Polish Godess with English grace and delicacy. Sarah and I passed smiles in the hall (though Meagan overshadows so many of these previously weighted, now realized, insignificances). I had fun at lunch going to BK with Rob, Graeme, Jeff, and Sean. Graeme is so immature and hilarious. We were interviewed (our 1st period class) by the Standard today on our thoughts on our generation. I wish I had more politics and self-awareness. Then I could champion the class like Nietzsche or Rage Against the Machine's Zack.....Really I just wish I was more extreme.

11.23.99

Christine was the classic harlot/jezebel today and I casually ignored her genuine crap and contempt. Sarah was neglible. Monica came alive! She said hello and asked me my 'Rines nickname (Ed. note: 'Rines is a joke clan started by me and Gord which alienates others while providing moi and my Grade 10 compatriots with amusement). Lindsay E. annoyed me. Hannah emitted pulchritude in the library today. Scholastically, my ladies were dead and my mind was fatigued. Julia, on taking Jeff to Prom: "I'd rather go with a more respectable date." Horrible. Jeff gets knocked down too often. Who is this Julia/ignorant anyway? 'Her eyes were lies with barfing ties.' Maybe not the beautiful prose which I wrote earlier today but certainly impassioned. Disappointingly (for I searched), Meagan was gone and her memory served in her absence. Last night the world leaped, today it merely lurches.

11.22.99

Sometimes--like tonight--I don't know why I act like I do. Before basketball the Junior Girls Volleyball tryouts were held and there were masses of people in the halls. Sarah and Andrea reigned over these Insignificants--yet when Andrea whistled at me (I was wearing a b-ball jersey: can you blame the girl? Conceited joke; I don't ask for many), I merely held a 1 minute intercourse with them. Then I abruptly departed--for some reason, as usual, with them. I then showed off playing, with them watching. I really do show-off too often. I wonder if girls know? I blamed Laryssa for my failure of communication because she was there. She's always so detracting. Meagan called and I returned under no pretense. I was brilliant. I talked to her sister Alex for a spell and we interacted surprisingly well. I can never do justice to our humour so I won't try. Bottom line--she makes me so funny. I just got it. She's my muse! Perfect! She returns the favours, but she's blatantly a catalyst. Christine was beautiful and hideous all in her 1 hour and 15 minute time span. Monica caught my eye and sparked remembrances. Girls can be unknowingly cruel. P.S: Kate told me at dinner on Friday she thinks Monica has a crush on me. Oh, to lie and purge in one sentiment!

11.18.99

Christine returned today triumphantly (how else?). She is so beautiful in life, humour, and shallowness (otherwise known as looks). We made plans to elope this weekend--go shopping for Prom et ceteras. Meagan called again tonight, though conversation was brief because of my work quotas. She tried to laugh, it seems, at jokes I made which weren't quite funny. Sarah floated past me today and we exchanged love's currencies--for us a smile. (Eventually a kiss! Oh how I dream!). Tonight I took a walk with Geoff and John at 11 and we discussed the various nothings which we inject humour or emotion into--Prom, school, parasites (Laryssa). Geoff said he was/and I was his best friend, albeit subtly in the midst of a joke. I felt good about that. I had a crazy dream today while I napped. John B. and the family in a car travelling fast to nowhere I know. It shocked me. I finished another Kerouac book today--he is becoming my pen.

11.17.99

Meagan and I are back now, the year begins (re-begins) cyclically. She calls me about Prom, but we inevitably talk various other life-bloods and beauties which make our affection so open. Sarah killed/saw me in the library. It was 4th period and her and Andrea were pretending to work. Frank came along, we merged and along with Jordan G. (the robber) and Jeff (the jester) we discussed Prom plans. I joked and laughed and she the same. Though I wonder who noticed first. Who does it mean more to? Stupid questions with answers which chain my insecurity with inaction. She said goodbye and flashed that "I-know-you-Geordie-are-gazing-deeper-here's-a-present" look at me. Hannah was an annoyance. Ashley was a neutral. Sachin was again brilliant, pervading pretending ambitions of playing on the basketball team. I only wish he would. The team lacks enjoyment. Sachin IS infusion. Geoff finally asked Alexis to Prom. I wasn't sure if he would, but he's my boy so I hoped (dreamed?!) he would. I have read too much Kerouac (not possible) and have thus become him (see above bracket). One day on the shores of brilliance we'll talk Jack. My vanguard/beatnik hero. (Sarah is Dylan's "Queen Jane").

11.15.99

I wrote poetry in Math class. I was so bored by Christine's absence. On the way to school I floated on a diabetic paradigm which led me to the dirges of lowness and caused me to fall over. I became scared when I re-remembered my temporary unconsciousness in Math class. Meagan, Jordan (my new darling baby heartbreaker murderer beauty), and Sarah were all noticeably invisible (if that's possible). I gazed deep in Meredith's eyes today--they danced and played games with my lonely ambitious heart. I love her again. She reminds me of a girl from Fitzgerald--with a rich background and startling energy--she's upper class. Geoff claimed he'd ask Alexis to Prom in person today but I knew and reality knew he wouldn't (and as I found out--didn't). Krystina startled me with her fresh beauty today. Ashley played games, pretending to hate me. I was too cruel to Laryssa about her lack of a Prom date. Big Frank quit basketball. Overall, an utterly dull and depressing day in an otherwise dancing and vibrant life.

11.11.99

"Lest we forget." I got emotional today in the 2 minutes of silence we observed today for our Veterans. The magnitude of their bravery combined with the memory of my Grandfather overwhelmed me. Sachin is truly hilarious. He is arguably the funniest person I have ever met. His vocabulary is so extensive that he can add humour to any minor occurrence. Vocabulary really does demonstrate intelligence, for Sachin is a genius--my words are merely second rate. Sarah burst open the night and day and fused the paradox again today. She breaks my heart. Monica held a conversation in the halls about Dave W.'s potential (recently cancelled) party quite marvelously. She is fantastic. Frank claims she is only an "Olympian-type beauty" (see Gail Devers) but to me she is so much more. Yet too immature for my affections. Bronwyn is annoying and I wish I had never met her. Meredith has a way of looking at me that makes me set wedding dates or at least movie dates. She is a questioning beauty--I have no answers.

11.10.99

Meagan called me to chat tonight. We had one of our famous epics. 51 minutes and it could've lasted through the night had "Jeopardy" not interrupted. Mostly it was reminiscient of last year, with joking and jabbing back and forth. I feel more mature now as I resist the urge to continually belittle her to protect my insecurity and affection. She has matured a little as well or perhaps she just followed my lead. Sometimes I wish a friend like Geoff could hear our conversations and then perhaps they would see her brilliance and beauty. She is so funny and smart--yet I love her differently than Christine--with more of a future. Sarah and I are now greeting and exchanging glances on a daily basis. I must approach her! I am gaining the confidence to talk to her but am lacking the experience. She melts me every day. Ashley is so naturally pretty it pierces my lonely eyes. Sarah must come! Do not desert me like I perceived Monica to, or like Meagan clearly did so many months ago. In reality I desert myself and girls just fall by the wayside.

11.9.99

Christine was in a foul mood today. She punctuated the school day by huffing angrily away from the taunts of Jeff and I. She is in a fight with Krystina over stupid girl squabbles. Luckily her night was punctuated better. We talked and conspired for 30 minutes on the phone and the end result was a Prom date for her with Adam W. All is well. I love her friendship so. Meagan and I had token conversation in the library for a meaningless minute today. Monica was invisible. Sarah's "Hi Geordie" was audible from 10 feet today. We continue to make conscious efforts to communicate our affection for each other. At least that's the way I see it.

11.8.99

My prayers have been answered. Thoughts have been quelled. Prom is upon me as I live the future in the present. I asked Meagan tonight and she gracefully accepted (I knew it all along). I asked in a comedic way, for I had been scheming a routine since lunch today. I blame (thank!) Steve C. for asking if I was going with her. I have thus avoided Krystina (which wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world) and Lauren (who hinted blatantly that we should go--again?!). I jumped when Meagan confirmed and my heart won't stop jumping until the fateful night. Christine commissioned me to ask Brian and Mark about going with her. Unfortunately when the subject of her came up naturally in my living room today, their responses were much less than amiable. Mark told Brian to "get a date fast--before she asks you." Geoff asked how he could avoid her at school to which Brian replied he wasn't there that often anyway and if he saw her name on the call display, he wouldn't pick it up. Fraser glanced at me to communicate our agreeable sentiments--how are we going to tell her the news?! When Geoff suggested a run through of the asking, Mark played Christine and mocked her persistent utterance of the use of "love, and dear" which endears me to her so much. I was hurt for the girl who was slowly (is slowly) becoming my best friend (I can tell her anything). Monica got drunk Saturday at the OFSAA party at Nick's. She was a horrible drunk and it was Gord's fault for her state. We (Monica--my love--and I) had many humorous discussions--one at the start of the day, in-depth, about her endeavours on Saturday. Sarah sat in the library, 5 feet away and ate my heart. We small-talked about Friday's party at Lauren's: which got broken up just as we were sitting alone on her big couch, directly side by side (she making no effort to move--me reminded of Meagan and Mulan last March). She turned around at least twice to illustrate her eavesdropping approval of my humorous rhetoric. All and all a tremendous weekend with all of my angels! Excluding today for Christine. Gosh I love Sarah!

11.4.99

My sister's birthday marked the tone and Meagan stole the mood. She signed my yearbook brilliantly, though through her rhetoric I didn't actually re-live last year. It was more her actions that stirred up the nostalgic. She called my house under one of her famous academic fasads, this time actually looking for French help! She's in Immersion! She covered per usual by listing everyone else she called, yet my father told me at 7:30 that she also called at 5:30. Ridiculous. Monica said I was hilarious to my sister over the phone, probably due to our 4 encounters today. I love Sarah yet I continue to construct a palace of regret leading from a road of inaction. Speaking of which, Mark told me that him and Sachin (and everyone--almost) are on a hurt boat for Prom. Crunch time is coming and my docket is dead empty. Desolation leads me to Christine, Chantal, Meagan, or even Monica. In a dream I never had that is.

11.3.99

I wrote in yearbooks today. Writing a novel in Christine's and the remnants of humorous love in Meagan's. Christine's took up 2 whole pages! Her beauty fueled my tireless pen and mind. In Meagan's I wrote the caption of foreclosure I've been meaning to give our relationship. I talked about gayer times when we loved to make each other laugh. But I made a subtle theme towards the end, calling her an angel (with reference to yesterday's "bitch" comment) and stating there was "so much left unsaid between us." She laughed hysterically on first reading, but upon 2nd and 3rd she will be touched. That was my goal. I saw Sarah in the halls way too many times today, and in the library. John B. made me feel completely insecure there with his reference to my lack of eyebrows. And my bride was but 10 feet away! Finally, as we passed, she said "Hi Geordie" (note the use of first name). I mumbled love's confusions of "Hi Sarah" in response. I really just wanted to take her to a field and watch her get impatient while maintaining her beauty. Twain saved my guilt of doing no work today by saying "I never let my schooling interfere with my education."

11.2.99

Meagan asserted herself in the library today and reinstated herself in my heart for 5 minutes. Dave B. and I were in there typing up an English script when she came over, read it, joked, and was offended. You see, as she read the script she said "the girls in this play are all bitches" to which I responded that that was the theme and mouthed: "all girls are bitches." She intercepted my lips, was not hurt but shocked, but left on a good note. Also, at lunch she gave me her bagel which, prior to the gift, I was ogling to John and Lindsay. Lindsay said we were "a match made in heaven." Meagan defended herself by saying that she DIDN'T like the bagel. I saw Sarah in the library and gave a late hello. It was awkward, and her unenthusiastic response dulled a love so powerful. Christine got her license and I spoke brilliantly on the phone with her tonight. She is Meagan without bullshit pressure and beauty; I mean she HAS the beauty unlike Meagan. I entreat myself to love Sarah. She is luscious. Hannah is available?!

10.28.99

I danced with my dream-girl Sarah S. beneath the trees for two beautiful eternities. Erin had me. Christine closed the night, a night without Meagan. Sarah and I and Ignorants discussed various irrelevancies outside after the dance for 30 minutes. I am drunk. Sachin is a genius. His gift for words is unparalleled. Adam is Salinger, beneath a critical moon. I cannot live without Sarah as my bride.

10.27.99

I cut off Monica's bracelet and cut off my pain. The yearbooks arrived and yours truly is in zero pictures save my school one. What impression can my lovers have? Especially considering my school picture is heinous. Sachin, Christine, Adam and I will be "utilizing" tomorrow night before the dance. Four geniuses and only two bottles. It shall be interesting. Prom plans are defunct at this point but someone may rise out of the woodworks.

10.26.99

Pajamas were a success in casualness. Today Christine amazed me. We went to look for a costume in Niagara Falls. She criticized Bronwyn and our "forced" date on Saturday. I sort of convinced myself it was jealousy. But I worked it down to shock in care of a friend. I dreamed of Kerouac/Crossing the train tracks/And you with your hair back/Told me what life lacks/It was all so matter-of-fact. She said so many wonderful things that this pen will never know. Including "Geordie's my new best friend. Right Geordie?" My eyes answered while my heart yearned. Monica is now erased. I heard her telling Ramon about a guy and her from another school. I give up so easily. The bracelet, like infatuation, will fade. Prom Plan '99 has been aborted as quickly as it was decided. Our investigator, Jordan, is taking my debutant while Adam D. is escorting Frank's madame. I'm back to square 1 and sinking fast. Hannah? Christine? In dreams not dresses.

10.25.99

Yesterday was Meagan's birthday. I bid her tidings on Friday to cover a weekend spent certainly apart. Then I proceeded to Cat's for Grad 'celebrations.' I certainly out-celebrated them all, chugging and flailing all the while. Today Frank and I dined alone at the Pen while discussing Prom date possibilities. We formulated somewhat of a preliminary plan, with Jordan G. as an accomplice. We plan to ask Sarah and Andrea, Grade 10 heartthrobs, Frank taking the latter. Jordan is our investigator; Frank praised his track record. Christine was as amazed as I that I went to a movie with Bronwyn Saturday. My excuse: drunken promises on Friday. My reality: loneliness. Ashley hugged and love me a bit too much today then killed me with pictures from Camp of her "hot Prom date." Krystina backed up the claim with exaggeration as an annoying 'Ordinary' often does. I got Spring Prom's picture of me and my sexual deviant Laryssa back. I hid it after school. I probably should have burned it. I often glance at Meredith and wonder why I couldn't love her. Tomorrow I will wear my pajamas to school. Gord is too funny to resist.

10.21.99

Today I disappointed someone, yet I can't decide who. It can't be me unless my brain is hiding something. After my race (18th place--NOT running at SOSSA--Fraser 15th, Adam M. 13th) Mr. Hinton said "Don't worry Geordie, we both know you can do better than that." Initially I brushed it off. Upon further analysis it was quite a bastardly comment. I ran to the 'wall' and nearly scaled it. I ran well. Left next-to-nothing on the course. I guess he's just giving me fuel for next year. Yesterday Ashley gave me a slight massage in the library which was borderline ecstasy. Krystina asked me to Prom. Seriously at first (I think) and then to bridge awkwardness at my hesistance, jokingly. I haven't even thought to December 17th yet. Save that one night at Glenridge at 2 a.m. with Geoff when we shared drunken dreams of Alexis and Sarah. Scott B. said he'd "give" Monica today. It's almost like I blame her for all of the other boys who bask in her beauty. Like they're not worthy of the love I could provide. Her beauty is trans-millenia yet I can still only tell that to this book. "Time will tell/Who has fell/And who's been left behind/When you go your way and I go mine"--Bob Dylan. So true. MG + GM. I never realized our initials were reverals of each other. We're practically married.

10.19.99

Meagan shagged some mental case named Gary the summer, so Laryssa casually noted after the film Fight Club tonight. She said it with a purpose as if to incite these feelings. But that bitch isn't that perceptive. Lindsay was at the film and quelled/deflected my contempt for 'The Collector' (see writings of Leonard Cohen). The library was utterly dead today. A wasteland from the war on my heart waged yesterday. All of my beauties were gone and dead, I was reborn in Hell. Monica fades fast--she was just a child afterall. Christine was a bitch today, being picky about my grammar. I argued then relented, seeing little point. I'm too sensitive. It seems everyone was a bitch today and only Lindsay could save me. I day-dreamed and planned to be a famous novelist, Steinbeck, to escape. Yet reality wins too many times. If only I were Lewis Carrol.

10.18.99

In the library today I was surrounded. Flanked by 7 luscious beauties. I don't know how to describe it. I could hardly concentrate on Math. Meagan, Hannah, Ashley, Chantal, Melissa S., Lindsay E., and Nadia were the perpetrators of this academic hiatus. I felt they loved me and Meagan might actually still. I see a spark when she focuses her comments on me, maybe it's simply the spark from my eyes and not hers. I tried to make her a bit jealous with Hannah and our mock-jury showdown from this book I found. Nick W. quit running and today I found out he told John P. he only started because he loved my Monica. I still have the bracelet yet hope fades. I'm falling out of love. Laryssa could not mar my princesses today though she tried. Lindsay asked me who I was going to Prom with. It's way too early. My answer was: "isn't it October?" Meagan tossed me bait yet I foolishly ignored. She said "I'm going stag;" she can be such a martyr. Laryssa strategically asked me about Prom close to Meagan's confessions. I jokingly called Christine a whore and she hated me for 20 minutes. She forced an apology and we allied again. Lindsay E. hates Lindsay N.: future ammo.

10.14.99

Christine was absent today and I felt a void. Though yesterday she broke my heart with her comments about me and Adam at Geoff's. I was visibly hurt and she wrote me an apology note to cure me. When she signs anything "Love Christine" or says "I love you" she has my forgiveness. When she does both, as she did, she has me missing her every breath like today. I swear I heard Monica say to Sheena yesterday "I love Geordie" when we were joking around during stretches. It certainly was something to that effect. I'd like to at least think I was the subject. Liz may still love me. Krystina said I had a "hard body" to me today. I had an amazing lunch with Jesse G., Erin, Ashley, and Krystina at the Pen. I was riding a humorous wave. I love Ashley for her virtue and natural beauty. Erin for her spontaneity and devilish good looks. Krystina for her innocence and quiet charm. Mark is too funny. Tonight I denied going to Cat's after the football game--thus saving my liver and Cross-Country season.

10.12.99

Christine is so physically intimate and yet today she said when sober she's done "nothing. Absolutely nothing. That's a little pathetic, eh?" with a guy. When drunk she prides herself on not being a "slutty drunk" and has only kissed Dave and Mark. She now loves Mark. She was cutely embarassed about her actions Saturday night at McDonald's when we visited a Mr. Johnny S., one of the nicest people on the planet. She apologized today in class. Ashely is God's gift as she is pretty, smart, and funny. We both also happen to enjoy kidding each other like newly-weds. Marissa's maturity was slowed significantly by the death of her mother. Dave W. professed dreams of taking Monica to Prom and I nearly died. Not that D.W. is any threat, it's simply the realization that this girl's attractiveness and beauty are widespread. I'll own her soon. She joked about my "short shorts" today though not maliciously like Hannah. Laryssa remains hated. My sister and brother made fun of Bod Dylan's looks and I went overboard by insulting Bob Marley ("mountain goat") and defending the Enlightened One vehemenently. Liz loves me. Meredith might too. I can only hope I don't foul it up. See past relations for further information.

10.11.99

Monica said I should help her with her spikes at McQuaid because I was "strong." Now I hear from my sister that she tells her that I am funny. I heard it last night and floated for a paradise of 5 minutes. Reality can be so cruel. Tonight I watched a special on The 100 Most Influential People of the Millenium. I was so humbled by their collective genius that when I read my poetry tonight I felt it was crappy.

Top 5:
1. Guttenberg, Jonas (printing press)
2. Newton, Isaac
3. Luther, Martin
4. Darwin, Charles
5. Shakespeare, Willy

Maybe one day I'll get there. Christine stopped by for 5 minutes and I was enamoured by her, per usual. At Geoff's kegger Saturday I limited myself to two minor embarassments (better than the countless ones from last year's: 1) Meagan 2) Bronwyn 3) standing 4) U2). This year's crimes: 1) Eventually telling Christine, without provocation, that I crushed for Monica; followed shortly after by 2) Writing lyrics to "Ballad in Plain D" by the immortal one in marker on a plastic cup and showing them to Adam and Christine. Thankfully these embarassments occured after many of the Ignorants departed. I slept in a bed with Adam because we were drunk yet Freud would still go nuts. Go to Hell Siggy! I love Monica, Hannah, Christine, and Meagan.

10.7.99

Today we had a "Spirit Rally." The skits were hilarious which was expected from Geoff, Mark, Sachin etc. Meagan sat 2 rows in front and was conscious of my every observation. These comments, humourous, were made with HER as the intended audience. I searched for Monica in the crowd to no avail. I saw her after running talking to two of Ramone's friends. This is going to be harder than I thought. The football team won, and in celebrating gave me the impression that they think they're the best thing the school has going. Maybe they're just happy. Am I jealous? I could have made the team, so it doesn't exactly fit. Bitter? A possibility. This morning I danced in an empty house to Next's "Real Close." It reminds me of her because she said she loves it and now I love it. Adam somewhat snubbed me after the football game. I punched him in the hall and said "nice game." He mumbled "thanks, I gotta go" and proceeded to have a lengthy, animated conversation with Mark. Geoff can also be a bit pompous with his Student Council gig. Fall's the season of my friend's conceit. I run well but get no respect.

10.6.99

I ignored too many love thoughts today. They eat at my exploring brain. Yet I swear Monica was staring at me as I stood in a group outside 1st period and she stood down the hall. She was laughing and I caught her eye and held it for that split second. Christine continues to make me feel immortal and attractive. I love her as much as she loves everyone else which is a love immeasurable. We're now collaborating on a Math project and it's wonderful. Jeff's immaturity and humour are useful when he's my friend yet horrible as a classmate. I hate Laryssa and it's manifesting into a hate of Krystina. They're so annoying and small, I should forget them and their ability to be ordinary. Johnny stopped by tonight. He's only pompous at school. Tonight he was brilliant. I stepped outside of English today and actually went outside where I had an epiphany. I loved the trees and simpleness and forgot about education with its wood and complication. Meagan returned dropping hints of yesterday about yesterday. She tries so hard to deceive me. I know her too well. It's amazing what you can learn about someone when you've hurt them or have been hurt by them. I can't decide still what happened with me and Meagan. I just realize I know too much to be healthy.

10.5.99

I figured out today why Meagan's in my humour club: because she makes me so funny. In the library today during the end of spare, we re-lived old times. She was searching for a French book for a project. We were alone in the library. We kidded each other like nothing ever happened and it was still last March. She laughs so beautifully. I was on fire. My humour hit the mark. She eventually left and I now feel we're on good ground. Adam M. may still like Monica which dented my pure adoration. Yet I still love and make conscious efforts to be close to her and talk to her at Cross-Country. I'm convinced she loves me. Looking at a picture today, she remarked "you see Geordie, there I am sitting behind you." Adam and Kate may be back together. He could never finish anything anyhow. In 4th spare the people kept coming and going: Hannah, Ashley, Lauren, Eben, Meagan, but I stayed the same. I walked with Hannah to her locker and convinced myself she was Catherine Barkley and I was Friendrich Henry from A Farewell to Arms. I love too easily. "John loves everyone"--Adam and Geoff. His insecurity leads to infinite crushes. It must be painful to be ignorant.

10.4.99

Monica is beautiful. She made a bracelet on the way back from McQuaid (114th place; 18:17!). Everybody was making them out of hemp. She sat behind with Nick and Nick. Initially I thought her motivation for tripling up, even though it wasn't necessary, was Nick W. She then, apparently to me that is, corrected me by saying "here Geordie, I made this bracelet for you." I'll wear it forever! I was convinced of love Saturday and riding a wave of highness. She also went out of her way to say "hi" to me in the halls today. I'm in deep already. Meagoan (who cares how to spell it anymore?) called me about Quebec today. She still rationalizes calling me by saying this time "I called Ashley but she wasn't home" which proves either 1) She is incredibly immature/insecure 2) She still has "a thing" for me. A month ago #2 would have elated me. Now she is fading. Monica may burn out. "It's better to burn out than to fade away" - N. Young. Christine's genius may be fake. She seems too perfect. My jealousy of her and Fraser is definitely real. They talked about golfing together today then Fraser invited me along. He knows too much sometimes. Gordon is hilarious! An adequate member of my humour club: Mike I., Sachin, Greg, Meagan, and yours truly.

9.30.99

Monica and Gordon broke up. 5 days! I flattered myself by placing me as the catalyst. I think she DOES have a glisten in her eye for me. She said to me today that her and Meghan were laughing so hard when I burst into the halls yesterday due to Jeff and I's immaturity. She brought it up! Christine and I had an exchange during my spare and her Phys.Ed class. They were playing roller-blading basketball and I criticized her skills. She kept punching me while we teased and I enjoyed the physical and verbal banter. Kelcy then appeared and we played out a similar routine involving water I stole from her at the Grape and Wine festival. It was a great period. I was so high and ignorant today today think these 3 girls love me. Then again, maybe they think the same about their chances with me.

9.29.99

I have a new crush. She is a new Cross Country runner and in Grade 9 (a social no-no). I see her in the halls and fall on my face. Drop to my knees. Plead my case. Fraser was a dick today. He is so sensitive that the wall he's constructed is inpenetrable. He's so fake. Christine's an amazing girl. I wouldn't even date her. It would obscure her genius. She said aloud today that she has a crush on Landon. She's so opposite of Fraser, maybe that's why they mix well. I laughed so hard in English with Jeff as the culprit that I was forced to exit the room. Tonight I skipped studying (there goes my career) and played the role of "super-fan" for a Girls b-ball game. They got crushed. Cassie was there. She was drunk (kids these days!). Maybe I'll cheat on Grade Niner. I don't even know her name.

9.27.99

Monica is dating Gordon and I'm a Grade 12 Student Council Year Rep by a landslide. I can't decide which of today's events are more impactful. I know it's the Council because I'll convince myself Monica was just a passing fancy. It may, however, be another of my 'blown' opportunities. Dave's in on Council and Fraser isn't which, painful as it was at the time, has subsided now. He couldn't have expected to win. Though it would have been very nice. I observed a characteristic of rationalizing human persona today. Ryan, a rival politician who I defeated, said to me first thing in English class after initial congrats: "2 votes. You beat me by 2 votes." He said it in the softest, nicest of tones and my victory masked this jealousy. Yet, why did he say it? Geoff, who counted the ballots, said I won easily. I trust him a lot more in this matter obviously. Hmm. We're odd creatures when pride infuses its chaotic side.

9.23.99

Today I had a Cross Country race at Mac in Hamilton. I'm warming up to McMaster's lush greenery, but it's still reminiscent of a hospital to me. Scott and Rob are great. Rob is one of the nicest people alive. I re-fell for Hannah while listening to sage Bob Dylan's "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright" and watching her sleep on the bus. Nostalgia is a powerful drug. Steve's a great guy. He gets a bad rap. He reminds me of Tobin. An attractive, funny male with less friends than he should have, but enough happiness. Monica grows inside me. P.S: I got 70th in the huge race (a good place, beat Rob).

9.22.99

Quebec is blossoming! Meagan's coming. "But she is dead/I picture us running/Out of our heads." Planning the trip excites me so much. It should counter the dead period when plans are finalized in January and we must wait 2 months. Johnny gets more "pompous" (credit Sachin) each time we interact. Him and Lindsay are developing a relationship (I didn't know she'd fall that easy). Adam and Kate are nearly over (I didn't think he'd fall to his senses). Year rep elections for Student Council are Monday and I'm worried internally. Can I win? If the whole school voted--hands down. But just my grade? They don't respect me enough. Who cares. I'll win in the long run. If only this confidence defeated my anxious night (various excuses). John is ignorant. Geoff is alive.

9.21.99

It looks like my March Break is set. Ashley and I stumbled upon a touring opportunity to Quebec. My excitement peaked, grew dim as the day waned, but now is forever renewed. During my run, Steve and Rory predicted that Jessica would soon blossom into a hottie. I agreed yet somehow inside I always knew it was true. Meredith continues to make small conversation in English class. She is so shy! I can't believe I wronged her so last year (hope you enjoyed Goodfellas, asshole). Jesse is forgiven. Hannah is forgotten. She can be so cold. I may be falling for Monica. Though I suspect the opposite (she falling for me--subtle hints). Maybe I'm just attracted to her genius which flows out in her immense running prowess.

9.20.99

I had a great weekend! On Friday I went to a movie with my new 4th spare love godess Ashley and the loathed Laryssa. I hate her more with each second. Saturday I remained sober at Dave's which was more shocking to me than anyone. Today I hurt Meagan without regret. I was a having a conversation with, of all people, Kelcy, before running (she was actually going to work), anyway, Meagan was in the vicinity and attempted to ignore the intercourse. As the conversation gained stamina and this third party grew more curious, she glanced back with leaving as an excuse. I caught her eye for the pompous second necessary. My accomplice left and I felt high. We're not even yet. This book is beginning to feel like a novel. Maybe it's because I lost faith in my poetry today.

9.16.99

I danced with Chantal. I danced with Erin. I danced with Ashley. I danced with Hannah. I danced with Lindsay. I danced with Meagan (my wish came true). I danced with myself and my own loneliness, and in a drunken revelation learned that I can be myself, by myself. Observation: Meagan was all over every guy in her inebriation and I cared little, all the sexual repression she is formed of comes to light when she is drunk. Geoff said that "no one changes more when they are drunk than Adam." I agree. Crazy night! Good times. I love Meagan (I had to write it once).

9.15.99

Today stressful school and burdens weighed me down. Christine was a bitch in Math today as she flipped when I passed her the hole punch. She thought I was tramautizing her. The rest of the class I sat in external silence while internally I hated her and convinced myself on some level that everything she was bad at, I was great at. I also hated Fraser and Peter. It was a painful class. With English came Laura, the girl who I'm convinced has a crush on me, and Meredith--a former date I stood up (for Goodfellas and Fraser?! I was stupid last year!). Adam and I graced the Pen Centre and I thought as I read one of his Writer's Craft stories that he could be a good writer if he used characters from his own life rather than inventing ones. I pondered this while I ran in Dante's heat by Coach Hinton's enforcement. I realized Hannah is too immature and cruel to care for. Krystina is glued to John (who continues to disgust me for some reason--his stature?!). Christine was society's whore today. Sarah is silent. Meagan is ugly. I passed her in the halls with Jeff, she with Erin, after English, and a blatant lack of attempt to say any sense of greetings occured. Maybe I'll ask her to dance tomorrow!

9.14.99

Today was laid back and dull. I was showing off at lunch for Chantal while watching "The Price Is Right" in the Caf. I had predicted in summer that she would wield the knife of love this Fall, but now I appear to be mistaken. Good friend, not killer. Lindsay and I have begun conversing again and it feels good. A day of new beginnings for Ashley and I broke an apparent silence of months. Fraser and I teased Christine during Math class and I realized he teases/insults when he loves too. A trait of Glen Ridge boys. Must be the drinking water. I played basketball during spare with Mark, Dustin, and Brian. Mark and Brian are great guys. Now I can see why some people are blessed "cool," because they make you feel great (most of the time). I skipped running and my conscience exploded. It feels good to know he/she is watching me tightly. We'll have to see what he/she says Thursday when I drink before the dance. Note to liver: A THURSDAY! Sorry body, time to have what the media and peers have portrayed as fun.

9.9.99

Today I was sick. Tired-of-world sick. Burning sick. Yet I felt such guilt that I went to English because I thought we had a test. In spare I got a ride home with a Ms. Erin. I loved her for the car ride. She has such energy and such a sense of humour. I printed Bob Dylan lyrics off the 'Net and in reading "Ballad in Plain D" I got that dead inside feeling and flashes of her--Meagan. After 10 seconds of utter hopelessness I was re-born. Christine asked me if I was feeling better upon my return to class. Krystina said my name in the parking lot and I walked back with her and John (future relationship*). Hannah and I talked briefly during spare and had an awkward exchange during the Cross Country meeting tonight. Sarah I didn't see. Meagan is invisible yet her memory lingers as evidenced by my day. My women kill me. You need to say "hi" to Holly before she responds. She's so beautiful I don't know whether she's shy or stuck-up. I think shy. Meagan walked by English today during her spare, our eyes met and parted and the after-shock was great (large). I don't know what to think about her. "The could-be dream lover of my lifetime"--Bob Dylan. That's probably it. I felt extremely high today. Adam is great. I forgave Geoff for crimes of neglect on Saturday. You forgive well when you're smiling.

4.20.08

A video of me reading from my high school journal at a Picnicface show at Ginger's in Halifax. For context's sake.

9.8.99

Today is the first real day of my journal writing career. I had planned to start yesterday but Mark convinced me to go get drunk at Cat's with Geoff, Brian, Jesse and etc. other criminals. Drunk on a school night! Not even a dance night! My conscience took a beating today. The first day I was hyperactive. Over-excited to be back, my humour was in top form. Homeroom is filled with disappointing characters but interesting material--History. Second period is Christine; or should I say Math. But Christine is all that is really important. I think I love her again. A different kind I think. At lunch I sit with Sachin, a living/breathing comedic genius. Everyday I eat his words and absorb his genius. Third Period English is decent with Jeff and Ryan to comfort me. Lauren is in the class and I have internally forgive her for any wrong she may have done. I'm convinced Ryan will become one of those university-type friends you meet, learn about, pretend to waste time with then remember when you're drunk at a bar in 10 years. He reminds me of Meagan. Probably because I thought they were conspiring to bring me down last year. Enemy to friend. I also have 4th period spare with Hannah and Dave and Ryan. Memories of Grade 10--oh were do the years go? I may also stab myself with Hannah again. I never learn. I died in the heat today with my first run in a while with Steve. Simcoe got Luka to play basketball for them. As if they need him. Basketball season's over before it even starts.

A Note on Privacy

If such a thing as privacy still exists, it doesn't exist here. These are my high school journals, word for mortifying word.