12.2.99

The first day December left me beyond weary--to the point of physical collapse. I could scarcely lift my eye-lids let alone lift a pen last night. Today I am re-born! Sarah was chatting with Jimmy before 4th period and was standing against my locker. It was just us three actors though the dialogue was poor.

G: Excuse me, you seem to be standing against my locker.
S: Oh! (Stares intently through me, feeling her way around the backroads of my brain and affection)
G: (Responds too blankly. Hits the beauty with a rolled up scroll that should contain love tokens but instead is made up of school work which is annoying and yet is the medium which draws us two young dreamers together emotionally and now, ironically enough, is now physically pushing us apart).
J: Et cetera stupidities.
G: (Feels like he blew immense opportunity which now haunts and hollows him perpetually).

Meredith contained everything in her smile which lit my being. Danny's funeral was today and I attended. It was bleak and sad (as all funerals are). The parlour workers annoyed me in their de-sensitivity to the tragic affair. It must be a job in every sense to them! I did not cry though I tried and don't know why. I guess it was peer pressure because Jesse G. and a lot of others were crying. I don't understand why I had to physically show the grief which was so obviously ripping my insides. A good description of me would be shocked--mouth gaped; eyes questioning. I shouldn't have felt that grief was a badge of tears to establish the hierarchy of connection to the deceased. I am mature enough to know this. Meagan was a wreck (no one could condemn her for it). Jesse hugged a decomposing Liz and I resisted (guiltily). For some reason I prefer to grieve and brood in my head--introvertedly. I learned Danny hung himself and can not describe the emotion this rendered. The issue has become so tragic for me that it is mute (though he lives in the words not said, occasional recollection, and the void in every day). I loved Hannah even in bereavement. Those New Zealand Godesses can have that effect on one.