12.16.99

Christine, Jesse, and I had a wonderful time tonight on convoys to McDonald's, and secrets at Jesse's. We were fueled by Prom anxieties and inspired by collective humour genius. I became secretly, blankly, jealous of Christine and Jesse's relations as Jesse must have at points with us. It was like a game of keep away with the effervescent Christine as the more-than-worthy object of desire. Jesse, at one point in my immature criticisms of Christine (extreme), called me "so mean" and "some friend," contrasting his never-insult-the-godess (excessive) policy. I figured out our contrasting styles are due to the fact that we both love her, but Jesse is more secure and therefore more sincere with his affection. The revelation was disturbing, and then it passed. Meagan called me, I was on a humorous roll stemming from Jesse/Christine hijinx. The brief, brilliant intercourse was interrupted by Erin's call. I was oddly at peace as I felt Meagan's love for me was powerful (as always), but above all, sincere. You could tell it in her voice (you can always feel it in her voice). I dreamed/senses Liz loved me in English. She made me promise to wish her happy birthday tomorrow night. Tomorrow night! Words cannot do justice to my excitement. 'Wait for me, love.'

12.15.99

Sarah re-appeared at my basketball game today. It was miraculous and marvelous! Though I played worse, excuse due to her presence--see the case of Meagan last year for reference. I loved her eyes and lips following me as I blundered against Simcoe time and again. I could not allow myself to excessively celebrate the joy of her watching me (and subsequent motives) when I realized that Sarah was also at Simcoe's game Friday night with tonight's conspirator, Katie. Maybe I'm getting too insecure, like last year when I assumed Meagan came to our games for Adam. It is logical enough (damn Math, damn Science, you've chained my heart) considering Katie went out with 2 Simcoe players: Precious and Morris. The test will come Monday when we are at home to Holy Cross, when I find out if Sarah loves me by her presence (don't worry, in her absence I'll rationalize with her having to work at Tim Horton's). The quiz is this Friday. I burst internally. Oh yeah, lost in my psycho-analysis is the fact that she and Katie lingered after the game and she said to me "Good game." Oddly enough after that, when Chris and I were driving away, she and Katie were standing waiting for a ride. Almost as if she waited for the specific purpose of congratulating me! Analysis can flow both ways! I am so relieved I remembered that small (and weighted) token. For the pessimistic reader, I do have nuggets of disturbance: Ashley (in Dave's car): "Meagan says you two don't talk." My pen grows tired of analysis, but the road Ashley constructed to this revelation was tedious. Can Meagan possibly still care for me, by disliking the fact we don't talk? (Except for the phone where A.G. Bell blessed us the privilege to be immortal to one another hours at length). Answers, again alas, come Friday. 2 Nights of sleep/On the desires I cannot keep.

12.14.99

Sarah vanished save a smile in the cafeteria. Andrea pulled her stare-and-respond game (see yesterday). Meredith looked like the 'sensible and smart college girlfriend' today. I swear she is so Fitzgerald (like Rosalind without the pompousness). Meagan made a brief appearance, and I lived the day in those precious seconds. She still has me held, clutched, somewhere... I got majorly incensed today when I learned it cost $20 for "Y2 Keg." It's not the money itself, it's the fact that Mark S., Geoff, and Brian are not paying. I can understand Mark W. not paying and making a profit since he IS sacrificing his house, however, for the other three to not pay is prejudiced. Mark S. argued he was an organizer. Bull! Organization tax?! Maybe I should charge him and Geoff $5 each for the Bills tickets I got them (I am going to by paying only $10 and saying Geoff and Mark got the rest). Money breaks up friends and I can see why now. Who cares anyway? How am I to speak of economics, money, and money's alarms/But 'O were I to be young again, and have held her in my arms (a patronizing parody of W.B.Y's "Politics"). Sarah will be she. 3 days for 1 night and love/death/laughter/dance/excess/Sarah!

12.13.99

Sarah has assuredly advanced to "Hi Geordie" and knowing smiles. And I have evolved to expressing affection in glances across the cafeteria, smiles at close range, and salutes--but not yet actual words. I passed Andrea in the halls and she was listening to her discman. I did not acknowledge initially, but as I passed I felt her stare. It was a blank/beautiful "are you ignoring my angelic eyes?" look and I recovered quickly. I saluted off my back foot and she smiled and winked and glowed. Meagan talked to me briefly, telling me about her dress and the finalized Prom plans she promised later. Unfortunately, as a morose poet I always derive negativity and she did not disappoint. I was chatting with Jimmy when I turned and heard "Jimmy" from my beauty's voice. She had no purpose other than to use him as a transitionary figure into the intercourse with me. It passed Jimmy, unknowing, thought I cannot let her nervousness/anxiety/fear/self-loathing pass. Monica from behind was gorgeous. "Y2 Keg" party at Mark W.'s, probably. I inquired as to the nature of the guest list, specifically fishing for a particular Grade 10 (Sarah). The issue remains unsettled, though 2000 (arbitrary, remember?!) better welcome with Sarah or I will live, die, exhaust myself trying!

12.9.99

I want to marry Sarah. Today as I passed gloomily (tired) and late for class we made eye contact. She then said "Geordie" in a funny (male-like) voice. For reference, I have been passing her in the halls the past 2 days and saying "Sarah" in that endearing feminine, joke-voice of mine. Not only did her response show her wealth of humour, it demonstrated the impact I can have on her. On the flip side, Meagan is hollowing. Tonight on the phone we talked Prom but I was interrupted by a call she HAD to take (Jenn B.--last year she would have shot Jenn down). Also, Scott M. called her. I don't know why he intimidates me so much around Meagan, but he's some form of nemesis. Petty things like her calling shotgun in John's car for Prom killed me (I pictured us conspiring and loving each other in the back seat). Sarah absolves pain. We will rendezvous at Prom!

12.7.99

I forgave Sarah and we had a wonderful walk-and-talk. She was headed home due to fatigue and I was late for Englinsh (Council-related). I do put on such a show for her! We discussed whatever my fiery tongue could muster to cure silence: school, Jordan's, T.V. At least I saw that I can talk to her and she is not some convenient mirage. We lost to DM by 1 point in the Standard tournament tonight. We have proven we belong. I am sick and tired of the hypothetical players Adam, Frank and Brian create out of bitterness. I'm concerned with the players we have, not the phonies who play in imaginary games. Chris was amazing on the court today. Christine wowed me in Math. Fraser is so petty and has motivated yet another insignificant trace of silence. Monica floated in my mind during CC pictures. Her positioning (desired) near me melted my heart. She's on and off with me.

12.6.99

Andrea thanked me for consoling her after the "make-out" incident with Adam S. Friday. Sarah and I had secret handshakes yet my heart ripped when I learned it was not enough. Consider: today at lunch I learned that Graham was dared, drunk stupid, at the party to take some girl into a room and do et cetera inexpressibles. I laughed until I learned it was Sarah then I crumbled--inside. He says they "only kissed." Only! 'Tis so cruel. Adam S. (Sarah called him a "horn ball" Friday) also kissed the "skinny girl" as Graham called her. Skinny girl/Don't rob her world/She means more to me/Than sanity. I still love my cheating bride for she was obviously taken advantage of by the Idiots of heartbreak. My day ended there.

12.5.99

I am writing unorthodoxly on a Sunday night to best re-capture my wonderful Friday. It started with Adam and I getting drunk in my room as Christine stood us up. By chance, for dinner we went to Andrea's McDonald's and she asked us if we were headed to Jordan's. Previously I had denied this option--only unconsciously realizing my beautiful Sarah would be there. John provided the chariot and I spent the night in conspiracy with my love. I described my drunk as "one of my five best" but in reality it was Sarah's prescence, not the poison. We sat side by side on a couch in his basement (memories of Lauren's--deja vu) and showed affection through conversation. She was drunk. But intercourse was extraordinary. She rifled through my wallet and asked why I had no pictures of her. She responded passionately to my top-form humour (including Adam and I's pubic hair jokes about her Prom date Jordan and the "unrelated" hair in her mouth). She gave me a beer label and told me to cherish it as it was from her. I put it in my wallet and said "I'll always keep it." I fed her my "fire-water" (rum--she appreciated the humour--I called it "French"). When tragedy came and the party dispersed I stole one last look at the couch where, in pulchrous retrospect, my love and I spent the WHOLE party (save when she went upstairs to get beer and go to the washroom). God bless Christine and her disguised gift of ignorance. Adam said I was the "fucking money." I was. He claimed there was an incident on the stairs where he inquired to her about me and she said she "liked me a lot." Don't lie drunken friend/Your jest could mean my end. I was so drunk that when I got home, in my giddiness, I looked up her phone number to no avail and instead read my poetry (3 poems) on Meagan's answering machine--so embarrassing! Sarah masks all. I love and hurt again. As far as I'm concerned, I'm going to Prom with her.

12.2.99

The first day December left me beyond weary--to the point of physical collapse. I could scarcely lift my eye-lids let alone lift a pen last night. Today I am re-born! Sarah was chatting with Jimmy before 4th period and was standing against my locker. It was just us three actors though the dialogue was poor.

G: Excuse me, you seem to be standing against my locker.
S: Oh! (Stares intently through me, feeling her way around the backroads of my brain and affection)
G: (Responds too blankly. Hits the beauty with a rolled up scroll that should contain love tokens but instead is made up of school work which is annoying and yet is the medium which draws us two young dreamers together emotionally and now, ironically enough, is now physically pushing us apart).
J: Et cetera stupidities.
G: (Feels like he blew immense opportunity which now haunts and hollows him perpetually).

Meredith contained everything in her smile which lit my being. Danny's funeral was today and I attended. It was bleak and sad (as all funerals are). The parlour workers annoyed me in their de-sensitivity to the tragic affair. It must be a job in every sense to them! I did not cry though I tried and don't know why. I guess it was peer pressure because Jesse G. and a lot of others were crying. I don't understand why I had to physically show the grief which was so obviously ripping my insides. A good description of me would be shocked--mouth gaped; eyes questioning. I shouldn't have felt that grief was a badge of tears to establish the hierarchy of connection to the deceased. I am mature enough to know this. Meagan was a wreck (no one could condemn her for it). Jesse hugged a decomposing Liz and I resisted (guiltily). For some reason I prefer to grieve and brood in my head--introvertedly. I learned Danny hung himself and can not describe the emotion this rendered. The issue has become so tragic for me that it is mute (though he lives in the words not said, occasional recollection, and the void in every day). I loved Hannah even in bereavement. Those New Zealand Godesses can have that effect on one.

11.30.99

Oh, how I breathed the love of September today. Monica has a vacuum in her iris which I get lost in and never want to find my way. Sarah begins to fade though I will not have it. I deliberately passed her incessantly in the halls at lunch with an unknowing Rob. She would not be provoked. I will get the best of her at Prom (for that is a goal!). Meredith was beautiful and swimming and smiling and pernicious and in every way my girl in English today though in the end only hollowness echoed. I feel poetic yet I should mention I purchased a Sega with games and played it in my room. I now feel an academic loss is coming my way, due to the void of T.V. I already felt guilty playing and not reading. Christine and I fought over library fines (friends and money how precariously they mesh) but in the end I paid in mock anger. Later we unconsciously forgot and we love again. I share her with so many that jealousy is impossible. She is all-encompassing. Adam can stimulate my mind while degrading some sense of self-worth. Geoff is all the former and that is why he is my best friend.

11.29.99

Danny Aitken committed suicide or died yesterday and we learned of it today. It hollowed my insides to hear it from Mrs. Mandzuk's mouth. Plus she introduced it frighteningly (to me at least). She said that a student who attended our school in Grades 9-11, and who now attends DM died. Immediately I assumed my former best friend Tim. How I would have died myself! It seems selfish considering a life was lost anyway and Danny and I had brilliant conversations about tang conspiracies at Project Spirit in Grade 9. My life gained perspective (that selfish "It could have been me fear of death loathing restriction" feeling). Writing of girls loses some validity today though Monica virtually stalked me. She is sleeping over here Friday night! Kate told me and I dreamed Monica had ulterior motives for slumbering i.e. me. Christine was divine and graceful and all the beautiful philosophies I never reveal to her crept out. She had a bad weekend with Geoff and the Idiots (Krystina and Lindsay) though Adam and I comforted her Saturday night. I abstained from alcohol this weekend though a tiny part of me wishes I had gone to Steve's party to talk and conspire with a sober Monica. Meagan has found a hole. Though today I cannot blame her. I wish I could talk about the profound effects of today on her outlook, seeing as she was close to Danny--somewhat.

11.25.99

Christine and I fought like village idiots today until I extended a golden hand after drawing leeway (from her smile) and saying two crucial words (to any female in distress) "I'm sorry." Really the whole damn business was my fault for putting too much weight in the Council incident and others' opinions. These two mis-readings caused me to act like a jackass the last two days. After school she told me that "we're back on the same page" [Ed. note: for future reference--Christine told me a secret Monday that she smoked pot for the first time Saturday with Jesse and clan before seeing The Legend of Sleeping Hollow]. I'm glad we're on amicable terms again so we can love each other and find hilarity in the tiny things again. We lost to Notre Dame at basketball by 20 (should've been a lot more--I got 13). We're young and re-building. I got annoyed with Mark and Brian when I returned to school and relayed the result. They proceeded to trash the team not realizing how good Notre Dame was and how average we actually are. Brian is motivated by jealousy he has yet to detect (I hope when he does it hits him hard). Mark is a mass of ignorance and assumption regarding the team. It didn't help that a friend and an enemy were present for this charade--Geoff and Lee. This season I now have a platform--prove 'em all wrong. Just like in Junior--only without the supporting cast.