9.20.99

I had a great weekend! On Friday I went to a movie with my new 4th spare love godess Ashley and the loathed Laryssa. I hate her more with each second. Saturday I remained sober at Dave's which was more shocking to me than anyone. Today I hurt Meagan without regret. I was a having a conversation with, of all people, Kelcy, before running (she was actually going to work), anyway, Meagan was in the vicinity and attempted to ignore the intercourse. As the conversation gained stamina and this third party grew more curious, she glanced back with leaving as an excuse. I caught her eye for the pompous second necessary. My accomplice left and I felt high. We're not even yet. This book is beginning to feel like a novel. Maybe it's because I lost faith in my poetry today.

9.16.99

I danced with Chantal. I danced with Erin. I danced with Ashley. I danced with Hannah. I danced with Lindsay. I danced with Meagan (my wish came true). I danced with myself and my own loneliness, and in a drunken revelation learned that I can be myself, by myself. Observation: Meagan was all over every guy in her inebriation and I cared little, all the sexual repression she is formed of comes to light when she is drunk. Geoff said that "no one changes more when they are drunk than Adam." I agree. Crazy night! Good times. I love Meagan (I had to write it once).

9.15.99

Today stressful school and burdens weighed me down. Christine was a bitch in Math today as she flipped when I passed her the hole punch. She thought I was tramautizing her. The rest of the class I sat in external silence while internally I hated her and convinced myself on some level that everything she was bad at, I was great at. I also hated Fraser and Peter. It was a painful class. With English came Laura, the girl who I'm convinced has a crush on me, and Meredith--a former date I stood up (for Goodfellas and Fraser?! I was stupid last year!). Adam and I graced the Pen Centre and I thought as I read one of his Writer's Craft stories that he could be a good writer if he used characters from his own life rather than inventing ones. I pondered this while I ran in Dante's heat by Coach Hinton's enforcement. I realized Hannah is too immature and cruel to care for. Krystina is glued to John (who continues to disgust me for some reason--his stature?!). Christine was society's whore today. Sarah is silent. Meagan is ugly. I passed her in the halls with Jeff, she with Erin, after English, and a blatant lack of attempt to say any sense of greetings occured. Maybe I'll ask her to dance tomorrow!

9.14.99

Today was laid back and dull. I was showing off at lunch for Chantal while watching "The Price Is Right" in the Caf. I had predicted in summer that she would wield the knife of love this Fall, but now I appear to be mistaken. Good friend, not killer. Lindsay and I have begun conversing again and it feels good. A day of new beginnings for Ashley and I broke an apparent silence of months. Fraser and I teased Christine during Math class and I realized he teases/insults when he loves too. A trait of Glen Ridge boys. Must be the drinking water. I played basketball during spare with Mark, Dustin, and Brian. Mark and Brian are great guys. Now I can see why some people are blessed "cool," because they make you feel great (most of the time). I skipped running and my conscience exploded. It feels good to know he/she is watching me tightly. We'll have to see what he/she says Thursday when I drink before the dance. Note to liver: A THURSDAY! Sorry body, time to have what the media and peers have portrayed as fun.

9.9.99

Today I was sick. Tired-of-world sick. Burning sick. Yet I felt such guilt that I went to English because I thought we had a test. In spare I got a ride home with a Ms. Erin. I loved her for the car ride. She has such energy and such a sense of humour. I printed Bob Dylan lyrics off the 'Net and in reading "Ballad in Plain D" I got that dead inside feeling and flashes of her--Meagan. After 10 seconds of utter hopelessness I was re-born. Christine asked me if I was feeling better upon my return to class. Krystina said my name in the parking lot and I walked back with her and John (future relationship*). Hannah and I talked briefly during spare and had an awkward exchange during the Cross Country meeting tonight. Sarah I didn't see. Meagan is invisible yet her memory lingers as evidenced by my day. My women kill me. You need to say "hi" to Holly before she responds. She's so beautiful I don't know whether she's shy or stuck-up. I think shy. Meagan walked by English today during her spare, our eyes met and parted and the after-shock was great (large). I don't know what to think about her. "The could-be dream lover of my lifetime"--Bob Dylan. That's probably it. I felt extremely high today. Adam is great. I forgave Geoff for crimes of neglect on Saturday. You forgive well when you're smiling.

4.20.08

A video of me reading from my high school journal at a Picnicface show at Ginger's in Halifax. For context's sake.

9.8.99

Today is the first real day of my journal writing career. I had planned to start yesterday but Mark convinced me to go get drunk at Cat's with Geoff, Brian, Jesse and etc. other criminals. Drunk on a school night! Not even a dance night! My conscience took a beating today. The first day I was hyperactive. Over-excited to be back, my humour was in top form. Homeroom is filled with disappointing characters but interesting material--History. Second period is Christine; or should I say Math. But Christine is all that is really important. I think I love her again. A different kind I think. At lunch I sit with Sachin, a living/breathing comedic genius. Everyday I eat his words and absorb his genius. Third Period English is decent with Jeff and Ryan to comfort me. Lauren is in the class and I have internally forgive her for any wrong she may have done. I'm convinced Ryan will become one of those university-type friends you meet, learn about, pretend to waste time with then remember when you're drunk at a bar in 10 years. He reminds me of Meagan. Probably because I thought they were conspiring to bring me down last year. Enemy to friend. I also have 4th period spare with Hannah and Dave and Ryan. Memories of Grade 10--oh were do the years go? I may also stab myself with Hannah again. I never learn. I died in the heat today with my first run in a while with Steve. Simcoe got Luka to play basketball for them. As if they need him. Basketball season's over before it even starts.

A Note on Privacy

If such a thing as privacy still exists, it doesn't exist here. These are my high school journals, word for mortifying word.