2.8.00

I gazed through Hannah's strong New Zealand back and sexy swaying hips and grew lost in a haze of her physical beauty. Her inquisitive, innocent British face whose wide eyes probe deep, asking questions from an intelligent brain. Phys.Ed shall be fun! I felt sorry for Christine as I made my attendance rounds for she looked so lonely in the back of a Grade 12 Physics class. My arrival probably caused an even more tragic event: 1st semester recollections--now a casualty. Also on my rounds I stopped in Meagan, Erin, and John's class making a casual effort to glance at HER and concentrated one to be funny. Consequently, her laugh did serenade my lonely ears. Mark S. can be extremely inconsiderate, making remarks which I classify as "Divorce Dialect" (bitterness--Freudian--from his parents' split). The Bachelor Auction controversy began, with Andrew P. receiving the bulk. Geoff tries too hard to point out a victory over me, where I have slipped and he is right. I cannot classify this superiority "complex." "Complex" leads me to psychology and perhaps jealousy. Sarah grazed and glanced past/in our Accounting class and I melted.

2.7.00

It has been too long to relate the past 2.5 weeks concisely. Accordingly, I will omit: 100%/93%/93%, Krystina at Scream 3 (Dream 1--my arm being raped by her soft touch). Scream 3 Part Two (Meagan and some guy), Whitney at Geoff's, Krystina at Geoff's, Lakeport tourney win, Dave's chalet etc. This semester a fire burns anew, though only 1 (Hannah) of my fabulous 5 (Meagan, Sarah, Meredith, Krystina/Whitney, and H.) are in any of my classes and I will be conspiring with Ashley and Geoff then anyhow. Alas, Christine and the beautiful poems her smile would write on dreary days is gone. We only grin in passing. My second semester is always weak in comparison with my first. Last year I lost Meagan to the timetable, this year it's Meredith. I cannot complain for school is done at 1:00 and Ashley, John, Jeff, and I have a lunch club where we dine at each other's houses on a rotational basis. It shall contain an equal dose of repetitiveness and wisdom. I swam past Sarah in my low blood sugar nausea, but still noted her short skirt and taunting legs which seem delicate but have snapped my heart. I also lost Krystina at lunch just when I was beginning to love the fact that she loves me (maybe that's it with her and Meredith--oh, how are they on that list?!). Meagan gave me an affectionate "Hi Geordie" later in the day after earlier complaining when I brushed (not looking--always knowing) past her on the way to Gym with a halting Ashley. Christine touched my ass and I got flattered. 5 weeks until I burn/live/explode in Quebec. Luke is so immature.

1.19.00

I was going to take relief these pages in the stressful/sweaty/un-confident/sleepless period of exams but an event today could not go unrecorded. Sarah and Katie S. came to my basketball game at CI today. They were the ONLY SWC fans in attendance. It was odd to see them there, for I thought I had painfully left Sarah behind (through immature avoidance) and she had remorselessly accepted (through indifferent acceptance). In fairness, she and Katie did sit with Sasha, Candice, and other apparent acquaintances. And where was she yesterday in our game against Grimsby?! No announcement was made about yesterday's game, but today's game was broadcast. Maybe that's it. Or simply, she was with friends from CI who were going to watch the game, and they coincidentally ventured. In my high dialogue I convinced myself Sarah was giving me a message that all was not lost between us. Certainly something small-growing is renewed in me. "Burn, Scott M., for your torture--unclean." After the game she and Katie lingered and I passed them out the doorway of the gym. Sarah uttered "good game Gor--I mean Geordie." You'd think if she loved me she'd know how to pronounce my name!? After countless practice and repentance. Oh well, the experience could not be marred. Like Simcoe, only I could not find a viable ulterior motive for this appearance this time. Occasional fans? Constant heartbreak. Katie grabbed my arm (bicep) saying, "Really good game." Krystina also did that today. I cockily took pride in my muscles. Though I would trade anything for her again. Oh dear, where is this going? Can't it, will it, should it, do I or does she want it to--end?

1.16.00

Today lunch was again the highpoint as John, Krys (affectionate after countless lunch dates), Meagan, and Ashley accompanied my mind and spirit to 'ol kill-the-coronary McDonald's. The lunch table was ablaze with jokes, I acting as an arsonist. Meagan only made me jealous once when she talked of some boyhood chum coming to Quebec in March and apparently she hears "he's hot now." I engaged John to avoid this conversation though I lent more than an ear secretly to Meagan and Ashley's. Meagan cannot love me any more. Little things like the way back to school in the back middle when she forced her legs extreme right away from me (me--stupid--not realizing her body was pressed more to me). Next, in the library she encountered me leaving and her entering with a shocked, not unhappy, but plain look as we passed in seconds. Me only faintly hearing "Geordie" and me muttering "hi." Sarah and Andrea passed at "T" in the halls before first period. They glanced left at my hobbled, late, cold being and I detected laughter as if to indicate pity, followed by indifference. I take comfort in the fact it was once different between my bride and I. Andrea, that converted, ordinary, unthinking jezebel. She scorns my Sarah. I hear she said today at lunch (from Kate): "I can't wait until next year" because apparently "she hates the OAC guys," and, as an after-thought, the "Grade 12s too." That bitch doesn't deserve this attention, but the comment stung a little. After all, she is a French-Canadian beauty (Ti Pousse). Finally, at lunch John called Meagan sensitive and Meagan laughed at (in her mind) such a completely inaccurate statement. Sarcasm was her vehicle of rejection. John is right (this time). She tried too hard to be cold-hearted. I should sing her "Hey Jude" in its entirety (with naa-naas). I suddenly remember my main definitive, secretive insult to her: "she is identical to a child which is found in the wrong sex, demonstrating physical and emotional characteristics of the opposite sex, including small breasts and lesbian traits." If only she were gay and loved me like in March. Words (big and small) protected me today.

1.12.00

Meagan pained the day again. At lunch, I sat with her and a table of other girls. Talk was excited, as I held the stage. As the only boy, I noted that the topics could sway feminine, but I realized I could always draw Meagan back. Her laugh was perpetual, and she continually gazed at me expecting my next humorous outburst. In English class she walked by and gave me a wonderful "mock" dirty stare. I pondered why more boys do not love her as I do (in my insecure jealous nature). Talk at lunch included a GARY whisper from the collector (Laryssa) to Meagan when Meagan joked about sleeping up the corporate hierarchy at Zehr's. She appears tainted and touched when I think of her and him: that way. In spare she mutinied against me in the library by not following my table re-location. I muttered "big loss" to incite her, and I achieved. Half way through the period I triumphantly exited with Dave. After school, she approached me and said, "Don't look at me with that cocky I-can't-talk-to-Meagan smile." I responded with a loud "Hi Meagan! How are you?" She laughed, leaving. When I got home from our 6 POINT LOSS TO SIMCOE!! (unbelievable--"doubt us now haters." 6 points to the best team in the region) I heard that Laryssa and Ashley had called. I dreamed it was to discuss Meagan's newfound love for me. I only reciprocated Ashley's call. Not home. Laryssa. Not important.

1.12.00

Today at McDonald's (again?! and always since I'm getting fat) I sat--for a brief stint (2 minutes=20 hours) with Meagan alone at a table. The line was so backed up, and she was waiting alone for her comrades. I turned down Krystina and sat with my former infatuation. She beckoned me and we talked about much of nothing (which always feels like a hell of a lot when it's with her). Mark W. killed the chatter with his obnoxious call to me: "Hey, Miller, are you on a lunch date with Meagan?!" (audible laughter from the infants). I was so red-faced, insecure, embarrassed that I bee-lined to Mark (across the establishment) and punched him. I can only imagine what Meagan thought when I violently departed, lingered there, and never returned. I inflict errors so deep into myself that they hardly become known to me. Mark S. angered me when he insulted "Wacky Wednesday" and threatened to axe it. He will burn sometime. Gord and I will preserve with our humour in tact and everlasting! (Though selfishly I am beginning to doubt his prowess).

1.11.00

Now that school has resumed I feel it appropriate to divide the major incidents which dotted today into 3 difference scenes. 1. Laryssa--at lunch Ashley and Krystina inquisitioned me as to "what's the deal with Laryssa and I?" They say I keep coming after her, and must like her. I shot these arrows (daggers) down by arguing that a) I was drunk both times b) She attacked me c) I don't like her--remotely. Thankfully John aided my defense. 2. Sarah (I thought she vanished?!)--I have taken painful steps to avoid contact, however today while Jeff and I took the alternate route out of English we clashed with my former heart-tormentor. Worse yet, we walked side by side, silent, shadowing each other's pace and staccato step. Jeff elbowed me as if to indicate I didn't realize her presence. I yelled at him with the excuse to awkwardly slow down. Heather saved Sarah a bit. 3. Meagan--we got our Prom pictures back and I looked drunk but happy with my bride. I was also wearing my now famous "Drunk smile" which Meagan chided me for. I made a joke about the decrepit appearance of her hand. She exited happily, exclaiming "I hate you" over her back at me. I love her again with a re-freshened love--still too jealous to be pure.

1.10.00

I avoided Sarah and her desolate descending eyes in the halls today by re-routing my path post-English class. I may love Meagan again! We talked in passing at my locker in the morning, at McDonald's at lunch, and briefly in the library this afternoon. Erin took me to McD's with Krystina whom I loved for her innocence. Erin made me feel good about myself by portraying me as a necessary element in our lunch-time excursion (which Krystina forced upon Erin, dangling an owed favour). Krystina made me feel great when she said that "Christine was hitting on everybody ESPECIALLY ME (!) at Cat's Saturday." I don't entirely agree though my hazy drunk memory will support some of this claim. Laryssa and Graham can perish at their leisure together for I am not incapacitated always and therefore she cannot take advantage of me. I let Hannah read my "Poetry and Me" journal and love her all the while (even as she poked fun--though later complimenting). Christine was beautiful her amazing self today, as she never disappoints me.

1.1.00

Geoff says he's done with Alexis and I agreed I was finished with Sarah. Apparently I told him that at Mark W.'s. This is by no means a journal to recount that particular night (that comes later). Tomorrow I begin my life and search "After Sarah," in title only for my wounds of rejection are still healing (Scott M.! Again! Gun?!). At least it was indirect (through Adam) unlike last year with Meagan. Bills game is a celebration of re-birth.

12.22.99

Only one incident seems notable this late at night (11:18pm: Geoff's with Mark W., Jon S. returns as I depart). I held a floor at lunch surrounded by Jill, Heather, Andrea, and Sarah (bride). They showed me a picture of me from Prom (of course at Sarah's table) and Sarah and Andrea both agreed I looked "very sexy." I melted (back of my mind knowing there is the tiny drop of sarcasm in their compliments). Next I teased Andrea admirably as she worried if she was invited to Y2-Keg. Most importantly, however, was when Andrea remarked, "Do you remember what you said that night?"!!! No! I wish I only could! She glanced a cursory look to Sarah when she asked. Oh, how much of my love did I reveal?! We parted well--I rode a cloud to English. Sarah and I had another passing--salute--and sexy, shy, shimmering smile in response. Meagan and I are incommunicado and I do not weep nor care. Hannah is gorgeous and I love her foreign simplicity. Sarah--to hold and haunt.

12.21.99

I must speak of the events I neglected to mention yesterday for, they are more important than today's meager incidents. (I did not see Sarah in passing yet I fell in love, because I felt the classic void). Also, we had a Student Council assembly. It went smashing! Especially knowing my girl was in the audience. On to yesterday. Gord embarrassed Sarah and I collectively in the lunch room. At first he said to me "I heard you were getting it (my memory assumes dancing) on with Sarah." Next he yelled at Sarah who was isolated at the condiments table "Hey Sarah," waved, and then pointed to me. Sarah and I shared an awkward smile, I waved to fill the deadness, and we both hurried our singled-out eyes elsewhere. I died thinking that the awkwardness would thus be sustained for eternity. Luckily, when I was running errands for Mrs. McLeod we passed solitary in the halls. I was actually talking to Mr. Williams (stupid! I saw her coming and yet initiated the intercourse with Williams--missed chances). Anyway, I went out of the conversation for one all important second so I could smile at Sarah, she back with that "I-know-you-want-to-know-me-so-act!" smile. Carpe diem. This hollowness must not remain.

12.20.99

It feels trite to re-collect the momentous Prom on these sparse pages, but I will describe (somewhat) the night's events. I better write a short story about it soon. John was an hour late, though departure (with Meagan and I in the back seat--silent. HINT: silence between us becomes a theme for the night) was marvelous. Megan's parents are intimidatingly attractive, it made me feel unworthy of escorting any of their blessed off-spring. I, on arrival at the hotel--and after a sufficient check-in wait--polished off a mickey of rum quite quickly (45 minutes)--if I may congratulate myself. This single event of excess shrouded my memories the next day and yet preserved my brilliance (and later stupor) for the night. Meagan and I went to her room and were alone for a drink picking up corsages. It felt thrilling to chat with her. At this point I will place my drunkenness at the stage where I had no inhibitions writing a humorous poem about Jesse G. in a Penguin suit on a piece of paper for Meagan. When we proceeded to the dance and dinner, upon entry, I was struck. Vivaciously I 'worked the room,' checking in on Geoff, Krystina, Sachin, Adam, Christine, and lingering with Sarah. Ah Sarah! A whole diary could be devoted to our night's elopings. Apparently (for my memory is beyond hazy and only rejuvenated with pictures and snippets of information from friends) I danced with Sarah quite long and, I'd like to think, romantically. I just wish I'd remember the majority of what I'd said. I have a theory, due to Gord's claim that I was a "silent drunk;" maybe I did not say much at all. Perhaps, just a theory, I simply absorbed the overwhelming beauty of the night in silence. It makes sense. For Sarah, in pictures now, has the ability to makes this rambler mute. I also conspired with Sarah and (her apparent bride) Katie S. to their room to drink and talk. Largely the talk consisted of me making fun of Katie's Simcoe boyfriends and Sarah's Brandon flame last year. The middle of the night was filled with dances involving the ghost-like me and Jordan, Monica, Andrea L, and etc. beauties. I only know this because Kate told me. I certainly did not have the novelist's regard for preserving details nor the poet's ability for preserving beauty (Sarah) that night. My final few dances were with Hannah. She kissed me on the cheek repeatedly and it felt like Grade 10 love again--re-born. The after party was excessive. 'Chinese jumps' with Adam and pizza with Sarah (in, my mind, my sister's Nike sweatshirt on) and others. I felt hollow the next day, I've replenished some now, that I may not have danced with my date--at all. I barely even ate dinner with her. Horrible, horrible guilt plagued me til I realized it was Meagan and it was guaranteed she had fun with or without me. Now I have what amounts to closure in my affections for Meagan. I treated her like a worthless harlot that night and my unconscious/drunken head must have wanted this. Therefore, I will now close as effectively as pale heart's allow, our relationship ('silent but violent'). Sarah is forever crystal! People (i.e. Fraser and Gord) remarked how much I was dancing with my "skinny Princess" and I was elated by their confirmations. Maybe I dreamed it all! P.S: I don't remember Nicole S., and don't recognize myself in certain pictures. I felt like a different, and content, other person. Adam S. got arrested for trafficking drugs and I should have been arrested for: 1. breaking someone's heart (Meagan) 2. entering nostalgia by re-kindling an old flame (Hannah), and, most importantly 3. murdering my desolate winter with hopeless, beautiful love (Sarah).

12.16.99

Christine, Jesse, and I had a wonderful time tonight on convoys to McDonald's, and secrets at Jesse's. We were fueled by Prom anxieties and inspired by collective humour genius. I became secretly, blankly, jealous of Christine and Jesse's relations as Jesse must have at points with us. It was like a game of keep away with the effervescent Christine as the more-than-worthy object of desire. Jesse, at one point in my immature criticisms of Christine (extreme), called me "so mean" and "some friend," contrasting his never-insult-the-godess (excessive) policy. I figured out our contrasting styles are due to the fact that we both love her, but Jesse is more secure and therefore more sincere with his affection. The revelation was disturbing, and then it passed. Meagan called me, I was on a humorous roll stemming from Jesse/Christine hijinx. The brief, brilliant intercourse was interrupted by Erin's call. I was oddly at peace as I felt Meagan's love for me was powerful (as always), but above all, sincere. You could tell it in her voice (you can always feel it in her voice). I dreamed/senses Liz loved me in English. She made me promise to wish her happy birthday tomorrow night. Tomorrow night! Words cannot do justice to my excitement. 'Wait for me, love.'

12.15.99

Sarah re-appeared at my basketball game today. It was miraculous and marvelous! Though I played worse, excuse due to her presence--see the case of Meagan last year for reference. I loved her eyes and lips following me as I blundered against Simcoe time and again. I could not allow myself to excessively celebrate the joy of her watching me (and subsequent motives) when I realized that Sarah was also at Simcoe's game Friday night with tonight's conspirator, Katie. Maybe I'm getting too insecure, like last year when I assumed Meagan came to our games for Adam. It is logical enough (damn Math, damn Science, you've chained my heart) considering Katie went out with 2 Simcoe players: Precious and Morris. The test will come Monday when we are at home to Holy Cross, when I find out if Sarah loves me by her presence (don't worry, in her absence I'll rationalize with her having to work at Tim Horton's). The quiz is this Friday. I burst internally. Oh yeah, lost in my psycho-analysis is the fact that she and Katie lingered after the game and she said to me "Good game." Oddly enough after that, when Chris and I were driving away, she and Katie were standing waiting for a ride. Almost as if she waited for the specific purpose of congratulating me! Analysis can flow both ways! I am so relieved I remembered that small (and weighted) token. For the pessimistic reader, I do have nuggets of disturbance: Ashley (in Dave's car): "Meagan says you two don't talk." My pen grows tired of analysis, but the road Ashley constructed to this revelation was tedious. Can Meagan possibly still care for me, by disliking the fact we don't talk? (Except for the phone where A.G. Bell blessed us the privilege to be immortal to one another hours at length). Answers, again alas, come Friday. 2 Nights of sleep/On the desires I cannot keep.

12.14.99

Sarah vanished save a smile in the cafeteria. Andrea pulled her stare-and-respond game (see yesterday). Meredith looked like the 'sensible and smart college girlfriend' today. I swear she is so Fitzgerald (like Rosalind without the pompousness). Meagan made a brief appearance, and I lived the day in those precious seconds. She still has me held, clutched, somewhere... I got majorly incensed today when I learned it cost $20 for "Y2 Keg." It's not the money itself, it's the fact that Mark S., Geoff, and Brian are not paying. I can understand Mark W. not paying and making a profit since he IS sacrificing his house, however, for the other three to not pay is prejudiced. Mark S. argued he was an organizer. Bull! Organization tax?! Maybe I should charge him and Geoff $5 each for the Bills tickets I got them (I am going to by paying only $10 and saying Geoff and Mark got the rest). Money breaks up friends and I can see why now. Who cares anyway? How am I to speak of economics, money, and money's alarms/But 'O were I to be young again, and have held her in my arms (a patronizing parody of W.B.Y's "Politics"). Sarah will be she. 3 days for 1 night and love/death/laughter/dance/excess/Sarah!

12.13.99

Sarah has assuredly advanced to "Hi Geordie" and knowing smiles. And I have evolved to expressing affection in glances across the cafeteria, smiles at close range, and salutes--but not yet actual words. I passed Andrea in the halls and she was listening to her discman. I did not acknowledge initially, but as I passed I felt her stare. It was a blank/beautiful "are you ignoring my angelic eyes?" look and I recovered quickly. I saluted off my back foot and she smiled and winked and glowed. Meagan talked to me briefly, telling me about her dress and the finalized Prom plans she promised later. Unfortunately, as a morose poet I always derive negativity and she did not disappoint. I was chatting with Jimmy when I turned and heard "Jimmy" from my beauty's voice. She had no purpose other than to use him as a transitionary figure into the intercourse with me. It passed Jimmy, unknowing, thought I cannot let her nervousness/anxiety/fear/self-loathing pass. Monica from behind was gorgeous. "Y2 Keg" party at Mark W.'s, probably. I inquired as to the nature of the guest list, specifically fishing for a particular Grade 10 (Sarah). The issue remains unsettled, though 2000 (arbitrary, remember?!) better welcome with Sarah or I will live, die, exhaust myself trying!

12.9.99

I want to marry Sarah. Today as I passed gloomily (tired) and late for class we made eye contact. She then said "Geordie" in a funny (male-like) voice. For reference, I have been passing her in the halls the past 2 days and saying "Sarah" in that endearing feminine, joke-voice of mine. Not only did her response show her wealth of humour, it demonstrated the impact I can have on her. On the flip side, Meagan is hollowing. Tonight on the phone we talked Prom but I was interrupted by a call she HAD to take (Jenn B.--last year she would have shot Jenn down). Also, Scott M. called her. I don't know why he intimidates me so much around Meagan, but he's some form of nemesis. Petty things like her calling shotgun in John's car for Prom killed me (I pictured us conspiring and loving each other in the back seat). Sarah absolves pain. We will rendezvous at Prom!

12.7.99

I forgave Sarah and we had a wonderful walk-and-talk. She was headed home due to fatigue and I was late for Englinsh (Council-related). I do put on such a show for her! We discussed whatever my fiery tongue could muster to cure silence: school, Jordan's, T.V. At least I saw that I can talk to her and she is not some convenient mirage. We lost to DM by 1 point in the Standard tournament tonight. We have proven we belong. I am sick and tired of the hypothetical players Adam, Frank and Brian create out of bitterness. I'm concerned with the players we have, not the phonies who play in imaginary games. Chris was amazing on the court today. Christine wowed me in Math. Fraser is so petty and has motivated yet another insignificant trace of silence. Monica floated in my mind during CC pictures. Her positioning (desired) near me melted my heart. She's on and off with me.

12.6.99

Andrea thanked me for consoling her after the "make-out" incident with Adam S. Friday. Sarah and I had secret handshakes yet my heart ripped when I learned it was not enough. Consider: today at lunch I learned that Graham was dared, drunk stupid, at the party to take some girl into a room and do et cetera inexpressibles. I laughed until I learned it was Sarah then I crumbled--inside. He says they "only kissed." Only! 'Tis so cruel. Adam S. (Sarah called him a "horn ball" Friday) also kissed the "skinny girl" as Graham called her. Skinny girl/Don't rob her world/She means more to me/Than sanity. I still love my cheating bride for she was obviously taken advantage of by the Idiots of heartbreak. My day ended there.

12.5.99

I am writing unorthodoxly on a Sunday night to best re-capture my wonderful Friday. It started with Adam and I getting drunk in my room as Christine stood us up. By chance, for dinner we went to Andrea's McDonald's and she asked us if we were headed to Jordan's. Previously I had denied this option--only unconsciously realizing my beautiful Sarah would be there. John provided the chariot and I spent the night in conspiracy with my love. I described my drunk as "one of my five best" but in reality it was Sarah's prescence, not the poison. We sat side by side on a couch in his basement (memories of Lauren's--deja vu) and showed affection through conversation. She was drunk. But intercourse was extraordinary. She rifled through my wallet and asked why I had no pictures of her. She responded passionately to my top-form humour (including Adam and I's pubic hair jokes about her Prom date Jordan and the "unrelated" hair in her mouth). She gave me a beer label and told me to cherish it as it was from her. I put it in my wallet and said "I'll always keep it." I fed her my "fire-water" (rum--she appreciated the humour--I called it "French"). When tragedy came and the party dispersed I stole one last look at the couch where, in pulchrous retrospect, my love and I spent the WHOLE party (save when she went upstairs to get beer and go to the washroom). God bless Christine and her disguised gift of ignorance. Adam said I was the "fucking money." I was. He claimed there was an incident on the stairs where he inquired to her about me and she said she "liked me a lot." Don't lie drunken friend/Your jest could mean my end. I was so drunk that when I got home, in my giddiness, I looked up her phone number to no avail and instead read my poetry (3 poems) on Meagan's answering machine--so embarrassing! Sarah masks all. I love and hurt again. As far as I'm concerned, I'm going to Prom with her.